The slowest and most disappointing sports cars ever made
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The word ‘sport’ is perhaps the most overused word in the motoring world today. Back in the 1980’s multi-coloured TURBO decals adorned just about anything with four wheels and now that almost everything is actually turbocharged you hardly see a turbo sticker anywhere.
It seems as if the Sport tag is the latest to receive this treatment, from the Sports Utility Vehicle to sports packs for your nan’s 1.2-litre hatchback, it seems as if just about every car is aiming to be a focused performance machine.
While no one really expects much from an entry level hatchback with a sport sticker on the boot, when that tag is stuck on a lemon that is actually supposed to be a sports car, then it is time to vent.
So here we are, dividing up some of the slowest and most disappointing ‘sports cars’ to have reached production. Some may be great handlers or have looks to die for but a lack of speed is unforgivable.
German Geriatrics
The German motoring industry thrives on creating massively powerful sports cars, even their four door saloons regularly produce in excess of 550 bhp. But every now and then one slips through the net.
Porsche 356
The 356 may be a priceless classic today but early models were essentially attractively styled Volkswagen Beetles underneath. The first 1948 pre-A models had 1.1-litre engines and 35 bhp at their disposal.
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Porsche 914
At least the 356 was a pretty thing to look at, the Porsche 914 introduced in 1969 committed the dual sins of looking like an unfinished kit car and accelerating like one too.
The first 1.7-litre engines were Volkswagen-based and produced a stingy 79 bhp, good for a 0-60 mph time of over 12-seconds. That’s VW Up! territory.
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Porsche 924
The pain didn’t end there, back in 1976 the Porsche 924 was unleashed on to an unsuspecting public.
This one looked like a sports car too so the disappointment was even more crushing when owners first put the pedal to the metal in their 2.0-litre 90 bhp missiles and got soundly overtaken by just about anything else with even mildly sporting pretensions.
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Volkswagen Golf GTI MK4
The Golf GTI was a revelation when it was introduced, producing all kinds of superlatives from the motoring media and owners alike.
Imagine the anger then when after all those years of exciting performance hatchbacks the MK4 GTI arrived, the very first batch carried over the 2.0-litre motor from the MK3.
With a mere 115 bhp they took 10.5-seconds to get to 60 mph. About the same amount of time it took most potential buyers to walk out the showroom door.
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Awful American Snail Mobiles
We could probably find 20 underwhelming sports cars from America alone for this piece.
The only country in the world that has perfected the art of coaxing the least amount of power out of their engines regardless of the size so it comes as no surprise that they love to repeat their ‘There is no substitute for cubic inches’ mantra.
Chevrolet Corvette 3rd Generation
Thanks to increasingly stringent emissions regulations the entry-level 1971 Corvette made just 165 bhp from its big capacity V8. As a result, it was hounded by anything from family saloons to pushy bus drivers away from the lights.
At least you could appreciate its swoopy styling for a bit longer as it struggled by.
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Ford Mustang 3rd Generation
The Mustang may have redeemed itself in recent years thanks to rear suspension that is not directly descended from a horse and cart but let’s not forget the third generation abomination that thankfully never made it to our shores.
A 2.3-litre 88 bhp inline-four was expected to be slow but those buying the 4.2-litre V8 must have been beside themselves when they realised that it could only cough out 120 bhp.
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Lame Italian Stallions
The passionate Italians love to produce fast and emotionally charged performance machines.
While the majority are seriously quick, albeit a trifle fragile in the mechanical department, there are a few that flatter to deceive.
Ferrari Mondial
The Mondial bears the unique distinction of being the world’s only convertible, mid-engined four seater. That explains its awkward proportions, it is also one of the slowest Ferraris ever made.
The first versions had the detuned 214 bhp 3.0-litre V8s that similarly hobbled the 308s of that era. 0-60 took just under 10-seconds which is slow for your modern diesel hatchback but abysmal for a ‘sporty’ Ferrari.
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Ferrari Dino 206
The Dino 206 was an entry level ‘almost’ Ferrari that was named after Enzo’s son. Released in 1968, it initially sported a 2.0-litre V6 which coughed out 160 bhp, respectable for the time but not quite enough to imbue the Dino with performance befitting a two-seater coupe.
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Underwhelming Japanese performers
Japanese sports cars tend to be blessed with high-revving technologically advanced engines and sweet handling chassis.
Sometimes though the result may be a car that performs well in just about every regard excepting when it comes to putting the hammer down.
Toyota GT86
While 200 bhp seems like a decent number, the Toyota GT86 has been criticized for its lack of power ever since it arrived on the scene in 2012.
Despite its commendable commitment to driving purity few people would call the 7.5-second 0-60mph time very sporty in today’s turbocharged world.
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Mazda MX-5
The best-selling roadster ever continues to impress with its no-frills approach and well-balanced chassis. What it is not so good at is leaving a long line of black rubber away from the lights, 60 mph arrives in about 8-seconds, with a following wind.
This may not be all that important to the pursuit of driving happiness but surely we could get more than the 129 bhp you are offered in the base 1.5-litre model?
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Nissan 350Z
The 350Z may have reached legendary status in the Japanese tuning and drifting scene but it was no ball of fire in standard form when it arrived in 2002.
The 3.5-litre V6 made 276 bhp which would have been just about enough had it not been for the lardy body. Add an optional automatic gearbox and convertible roof and things only got worse.
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British built slow coaches
We may scoff and smirk at such embarrassing slow pokes from around the world but let’s not get too righteous in our indignation.
We have contributed our fair share to the world of sportless sports cars, here are a few offenders.
DeLorean DMC-12
This one was just begging to be a good car, cool gull-wing doors and brushed stainless steel body panels only served to hide the disaster that was lurking underneath.
For mounted amidships was a Renault sourced 130bhp 2.8-litre V6 anchor that gave the DMC-12 a 0-60mph time of just under 9-seconds.
MG Midget
The MG Midget was at the heart of the British roadster revolution in the late ‘50s and ‘60s but it also represented the one fatal flaw (other than catastrophic rust) that most cars of this type suffered.
Namely a lack of any sort of usable straight-line performance. The 1961 Midget MK1 had a 45 bhp 948cc engine that got to 60 mph in a Volkswagen Beetle rivalling 18-seconds.
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Triumph Spitfire
The Spitfire Mark 1 debuted in 1962 and despite its massive 1.1-litre engine (compared to the Midget) it was not much better in a straight line. Despite its 62 bhp the 16-second 0-60mph time was barely an improvement.
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Jaguar E-Type V12
The paragon of British motoring excellence surely should not be found on these slides you say. Well perhaps the early versions with their 3.8-litre inline-6 engines and manual transmissions could mix it with the fastest sports cars of the era.
But by the time Series 3 V12 versions arrived the formula had been drastically changed. Gone was the sharp chassis and revvy inline-six.
In its place were an admittedly smooth but far more laid back 5.3-litre V12, the optional automatic gearbox and heavier body had turned the once dynamic E-Type into a shadow of its former self.
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